something very sad..

I have been wondering the past couple of weeks how I would post this. three weeks ago I went to the doctor for my monthly checkup and my sweet baby boys heart had stopped. I was so shocked and so so sad in that moment she told me I did not know what I would do. How does that happen? I was almost 17 weeks and had no signs or warning that anything was wrong. I think I felt my heart break- I am crying just remembering that day. To me, he was already a member of our family.

I will never forget how this loss felt- but what I want to write is how this has changed me.

I had never taken my baby to an appointment- but this time little Lex came with me. He was being his usual monster self for the 45 minutes that we were waiting, and when the doctor came in he wouldn't let her hold him (usual for him:) so he sat (writhing and eating goldfish) right up with me on the table during the ultrasound. When she told me and I started to cry my sweet boy stopped immediately and laid his head on my chest..and did not move until Mauricio was able to meet me there. I know I was being taken care of that day. I know that my heavenly father did not want me to be alone and that He knew that having my beautiful healthy boy sitting on my lap would make it better. I came home to my mom who was at my house as soon as she heard and then my two sisters who were there shortly after. My sister in law came no later than an hour later with the most amazing dinner and homemade bread. As I sat there with my mom weeping together- my sweet Pierce was walking back and forth in the hallway in front of us making silly faces and dancing- trying (desperately) to get me to laugh. Cash (my most sensitive) would just come lay his head on my lap. Its funny how things like this make you appreciate what you have. Its funny how the day before I would have gladly let my sister take my boys for a few hours- but when she offered all I wanted was to hold them close. I feel like I am a better mom. I feel so lucky to have these boys and so honored to be chosen to raise them I don't want to fall short. I know what a precious gift they are and what a miracle it is to have them. I feel like being a better sister and a better daughter. I had friends calling and reaching out to me everyday for two weeks. For those of you that did- I hope you know how much it helps just to know people care. You inspired me to be a better friend and neighbor.

I cannot leave out Mauricio. I'm crying again. My husband and my best friend who knows me better than I know myself- and loves me even though I am terrible. I can't imagine going through anything without you. I have my soul mate to be with me when I need someone the most. I had my best friend there at the hospital to make me laugh when no one else could. I am so lucky to have married you. I love you.